Today my mind is having trouble with positivity, random thoughts are
darkening my spirit. Still feeling waves of sadness flowing through me.
Two weeks ago I lost my baby Joon to a horrific disease called
hemangiosarcoma. My 9year old ridgeback pup, my son, my best
friend. The sweet soul who had been by my side since my
early thirties. Through good and bad, He was always
there to cheer me up. I miss him so much.
This week I also lost Puma, my 17-year-old Tonkinese cat.
A loving cat that I adopted when I was 24. He had a tumour
in his stomach and was losing weight by the day,
in the end, he was only skin and bones.
So two pet burials in two weeks.
I’ve been positive for the longest time,
but in the past few months,
there have been too many losses.
It started in May with the loss of my business.
Along with that business, I also lost one of my closest friends,
who was also my business partner.
During that time I lost another one of my best friends to crack.
He’s physically alive, but not the same person he used to be.
His mind and soul have been consumed by a deadly poison.
I hope he comes back one day.
But for now- my friend is gone.
Every day I see Parkinson’s disease slowly chipping away at my father’s well-being. Today he had trouble bringing the fork to his mouth during lunch…
I had no idea what to do. I didn’t offer to help, it might have made him feel helpless.
But not helping made me feel like an ass.
By now, summer 2018, I was expecting to be financially able to help him live a more comfortable life. Delicious and healthy meals, prepared daily by a personal chef.
Regular massage therapy, private yoga courses, a housekeeper…
All those things need to be postponed until next year.
Poor daddy, I wish I could do more to help right now.
This veil of darkness all around me has been lingering for almost a year now.
I’m getting fucking tired. But will never give up. I’m only getting stronger.
This struggle is getting me ready for the big league.
Other than my hopes and dreams, there’s no concrete way for me to say
how I’ll be paying my mortgage or dozens of other mandatory payments after
the next three months…. But I have absolute faith that everything will be ok.
Since I’m exorcising this negative shit right now, might as well add one more…
I haven’t felt real love or good, satisfying sex in over a decade.
I’m a very affectionate and sensual man, so living without
human warmth goes against my natural tendencies.
I remain positive, my dreams are as vivid as ever.
And I work toward them every day.
At one point, the winds will shift. It can’t rain forever.
It’s been monsoon season for way too long.
Sunshine, please grant me some of your rays.
Thank you for the light which has filled
my health and mind to this day.
Now I ask you to illuminate my finances.
Please allow me to shine and spread
the bounty all around me.
Midlifemorphosis 